Amen, Nils. Dan, I am so sorry for you and your family. And at the same time, let me encourage you by saying, if my experience is anything to go by, you're still heading towards the Light.
One thing I tell myself is, we're not the center of Creation, individually or collectively. And , at least while we're earthbound, we can only know a very small bit of Who God is, at least relative to His incomprehensible vastness. I hope this helps and doesn't feel too 'palliative' to you. But I do pray for you and your family that you might somehow be consoled and comforted in this hard time for you all.